"It wasn't breakfast at Tiffany's but ..."

Reflections on Love and Marriage

Being a pastor for so many years, I’ve had the opportunity to marry many couples. It is actually something that I enjoy but it does give you pause to realize that when you enter into marriage, most people have no idea what they are promising. None of us have any idea about what the future will bring as we promise ourselves away to another person.

This weekend will be the last of four weddings I’ve officiated at in the last month. You do more than officiate; you meet with them several times in what I call “enrichment” not therapy. There is the rehearsal along with the wedding itself. Our weekends have been tied up totally this past month.

Recently I did a wedding at The Plaza Hotel in New York City in which we stayed overnight at The New York Athletic Club with a perfect view of Central Park. We woke up to a great day but wanted to find a place where we could have a reasonable breakfast. The Athletic Club offered a $35.00 per person brunch that we thought was more than we needed after a huge wedding the night before. We walked down 59th to Sarah Beth’s – an upscale eatery and found that they had a waiting line of at least a half of an hour for breakfast and that too would have been $35-40. The same story continued as we went to the Hyatt and then mysteriously around the corner on 6th Avenue, there was this dive called “Angela’s Deli” We walked in and were hearing orders being yelled out left and right behind the counter. I saw an empty table and told Kathy to quickly reserve it as I ordered us two omelets, coffee and a bagel, all for under $20.00. As I sat down at the table, to my left was a guy playing with his I Phone with a cigar in his mouth. Down at the other side, were a couple of runners having coffee and then sitting down next to us was an older couple. As I was eating my omelet, this talkative Italian couple asked me what I was doing here. I said that we went to a wedding in Manhattan and he said we are here today because we are married 60 years. I said 60 years, he said yeah, we thought we’d come in today and celebrate it. I said I hope you find a better place than this. I took a look at them and they didn’t look young, but they did look great. I guess marriage agreed with them and they looked like they had lots of energy. They told us that they were from Queens and took the train in for a day in Manhattan. They were so cheerful and happy that they lifted me out of my morning fog and brought a smile to my face.

The couple next to them overheard our conversation and said we’ve been married 15 years – there were smiles all around. Manhattan is a crazy place filled with lots of young, unmarried men and women and I’m sure that the statistics hold true here that more than half of marriages, end in divorce.

I still maintain that when you get married, you need a lot of things, which include patience, understanding, forgiveness, lots of love and a seatbelt because the ride may not always be smooth.

I had finished a counseling session with another young couple just before this wedding. As I always do, I asked them to write a love letter to each other and read it in my office in front of me. They did so but what I noticed was how they ended their letters. One said to the other, remember, “I love you more,” the other responded in his letter, “I love you most.” Well, I guess you can say that it sounds a little corny and that this old minister sometimes cries at weddings, but when it comes to relationships, it’s never 50%; it’s always 100%.

I wasn’t sure as I looked around this place – there was a picture of BB King, some advertisements for Broadway and a beat up menu on the wall but as I finished my coffee, I realized that I might just have had the best omelet of my life.

“Otherwise”

Reflections on gratefulness

I came across a poem by Jane Kenyon that caused me to pause and think. In our busy, rushed and hectic world, there is never enough time to think and reflect or even meditate. However, as I read this poem, I was struck by how often we take our world for granted as if it were going to be always that way.

The poem, “Otherwise” by Jane Kenyon who was the Poet Laureate of New Hampshire and the author of several books on poetry is a good example of her work which is sometimes very direct but sparse. She herself died at a rather young age of Leukemia, but not before finishing several books that give us insight into the subtle nuances of human existence. It’s even been said that a theme of faith is threaded throughout her poetry.

The following is her poem that points out the contrast of our lives:

“Otherwise”

by Jane Kenyon

I got out of bed

on two strong legs.

It might have been

otherwise.

I ate

cereal, sweet

milk, ripe, flawless

peach. It might

have been otherwise.

I took the dog uphill

to the birch wood.

All morning I did

the work I love.

At noon I lay down

with my mate. It might

have been otherwise.

We ate dinner together

at a table with silver

candlesticks. It might

have been otherwise.

I slept in a bed

in a room with paintings

on the walls, and

planned another day

just like this day.

But one day, I know,

it will be otherwise.

I like “Otherwise” because it calls us into realizations about life that we take for granted thinking as if things will be the same forever.

In another way as you look back on your life, you realize that things have changed from a wall that was built in Berlin to it’s destruction that came years later. You realize that your children have grown up or you see that you have grown older. It is a nagging contrast of the word, “Otherwise” that pushes us to appreciate the moments we have lived into meaning and the many people that decorate our life with love and friendship. The appreciation grows even more intense if you are an alert person who realizes that life is fragile and things change.

“Otherwise” forces us to take a deep look at ourselves and realize that things could have turned out differently and even far worse than we ever thought.

Regret is something that we all live with but also a feeling that we want to minimize as much as we can. It’s been said that “Hell is truth seen too late.” It is the world of “If only” that haunts us. If only I had done the right thing. If only I was there for them. If only I was a better father. It’s another way of saying that things have been “Otherwise” in our life’s journey. It’s the reality of the “Otherwise” that makes a person wake up and see that they have really messed up or missed a prime opportunity to be a better person or to help another person.

“Otherwise” is another way of saying, but for the grace of God, go I.” Christians happen to believe that grace can make a difference in our lives. That difference allows us to look at life with a thankful heart and a willingness to give back because we have been so blessed and fortunate.

Christian faith is always pointing us to gratefulness and generosity. It is always asking us to look at our mortality and the hour glass that never stops running. The faith is about gratefulness and thanksgiving because life might have turned out “Otherwise.”

As we look to Jesus, we as Christians lift up and appreciate his life, death and resurrection because it might have been “Otherwise.”

--MEH