The Day I Didn’t Cry...

As most of you know I walked Erin down the aisle on her wedding day on October 11. The ceremony and the celebration turned out to be monumental and even better than we could have ever planned. Our whole family couldn’t stop talking about it in the days and weeks that followed. One thing that did strike me as funny was my daughter saying, “Dad you didn’t cry at my wedding.” I heard later that everyone was taking bets that I would probably cry because I cry at everything. Well, I did cry. I cried during the whole process of getting ready for that day as I imagined myself walking her down the aisle, dancing with her, repeating vows to her and Jason. I cried when we went food tasting for the reception and when I heard all the news about the dresses, the shoes and all the other little things from flower arrangements to the preparation of the church bulletin. I get misty often.

I had cried enough and on the other side of tears at a wedding is joy. I couldn’t be happier with Erin’s choice and I couldn’t be happier with the way things had worked out for them as a couple. I will say this, that the walk down the aisle with her was a long walk as you see your live flash before your eyes standing next to what once was a little girl. A father once told me that the walk down the aisle was like giving a marvelous hand crafted and expensive Stradivarius violin to a gorilla. This was not the case for me. It is a joyous and clear beginning, free of all the messiness that marriage becomes after years of living together. From the vantage point of the altar it all looks easy on that day. It’s later when you discover the bumps in the road and that this thing called marriage is not so easy.

I wouldn’t say that I’m good at marriage however, I have lots of experience. As I look out into our congregation or even at any given wedding I am presiding over, I can tell that many have gone down this road before. They have found like we all do that marriage can be more than difficult and sometimes even a disaster. Divorce is common and the church’s family is not immune from it. I don’t stand in judgment of anyone who has found his or her life shattered or painfully broken by divorce. When marriage works out, over the long haul, it has its great and wonderful moments.

I used this illustration at Erin and Jason’s wedding. I was saving it for a long time in anticipation of the moment when I could share it. It is a story from columnist Nicholas Kristof who grew up on a farm as I did. On a farm one butchers animals and I could always remember when that happened. At that time pigs became pork chops and as a boy I would cry.

Nicholas talks about geese:

Once a month or so, we would slaughter geese. When I was 10 years old my job was to lock the geese in the barn and then rush and grab one. Then I would take it and hold it by its wings on the chopping block while my Dad or someone else swung the ax.

The 150 geese knew that something dreadful was happening and would cower in a far corner of the barn, and run away in terror as I approached. Than I would grab one and carry it away as it screeched and struggled in my arms.

Very often, one goose would bravely step away from the panicked flock and walk toward me. It would be the mate of the one I had caught, male or female, and it would step right up to me, protesting pitifully. It would be frightened out of its wits, but still determined to stand with and comfort its lover.

In the end after the soap opera is finished, after the romantic movie is over, after George Clooney has carried Gwenyth Paltrow over the threshold we never find out what really happens. We always assume as we are told that they lived, “ Happily Ever After.” Making movies about marriage is usually boring or in rare cases like when the famous Swedish director Ingmar Bergman produces ones like “Scenes from a Marriage” or “Cries and Whispers” marriage can be terrifying. At times a friend of mine would say marriage is like a Federico Fellini movie - who can understand it?

Nevertheless that picture of a protesting goose could be a symbol of what a life long commitment is all about. As you deepen your journey in a relationship without knowing it, most days you don’t realize that you have discovered someone who accepts you for who you are. You have found a person who loves you when many times you are not very lovable and in that moment of difficulty puts their arms around you and tries to comfort you in your distress. Put differently, when you have found the right person they treat you like a Saint even though they are well aware that you are a sinner.

Cultivating Your Soul

Years ago when I was in a seminar at Princeton, I remember one of my classmates always repeating this saying: “It’s not what it’s about.” Meaning that, for example, when someone comes home and gets mad at the dog they most likely are not actually angry at the dog, but instead are aggravated about something that happened to them at work. That saying gave me a new perspective, which made me look beyond an actual occurrence toward its deeper meaning.

I saw the same thing in an August 16th article in The New York Times entitled, Hope’s Two Acres. The article is about a farm run by recovering addicts from New York City. People whose lives have been shattered and destroyed but who now have a chance to cultivate kale, beets and lettuce. What they’re really cultivating, however, is sobriety. The farm is about what all farms are about – producing good things from the soil. But this farm is also about producing good things for the hearts and the souls of people.

It’s always refreshing to see people take positive steps to take charge of their lives and overcome the fear, the anxiety and the pain that drove them to seek solace in alcohol and drugs. So much of our lives are given over to the simple tasks of trying to get things done, to gain some sort of control over the pressures and responsibilities we all have to live with. For me, it’s refreshing to think that on the corner of Route 9 and Snake Hill Road there’s a roadside stand where you can see baskets of squash, herbs, lettuce, Swiss chard and tomatoes, among other things. The thing one probably would not notice is the people there who have seen a miracle happen in their lives.

Jesus always talked about how what a person is like on the inside is most important – the outer trappings can fool you. And for all of us, the job of working on the interior landscape of ourselves is difficult. No one can really see that growth until one day it actually takes place and you begin to blossom into the person you not only need to be, but want to be. And it’s always nice to be surprised when you discover there is more to a person than you first thought.

Frank McCourt Part 2: The Doggedness of Faith

Frank McCourt may roll over in his grave after he reads this. Often, there’s no way to measure your faith as you would your temperature and discover how much you really believe or don’t believe about the faith you have been taught since childhood. Luther once said, “Each person must do their own believing.” However, I know that Frank McCourt has been a huge critic of the Catholic Church and many of his childhood stories expose the raw humanity of the priest and the institution with which he grew up. On the other hand – and I may be reading between the lines – in his stories, redemption always finds an opening even though the vessels holding it may be very crude. At any rate, he has given me a lesson for faith that I will always remember.

In his book, Teacher Man, he chronicles with brutal honesty what most teachers have to go through when they actually face students in the classroom. Nevertheless, he gives keen insight into what it means to do something for 30 years and not loose your soul in the process. With characteristic humor, he even unlatches a door that gives insight to faith.

One thing that got my attention was his use of the word “doggedness.” He wrote, “Doggedness is not as glamorous as ambition or talent or intellect or charm, but it is still the one thing that got me through the days and nights.”

Actually, things about my life can be characterized in the same way. Where I haven’t had talent or intellect, I’ve still been able to win the day. Believe it or not, I take a bit of inspiration from that old story about Jesus (Matthew 15:21-28) and the woman who’s asking for help but receives a rather cold response until she says that she’s willing even to accept the crumbs that fall from the table, like a dog.

Jesus is impressed by her “doggedness” and then he says that he has never found a faith like hers anywhere. Faith can be characterized in many ways. I think doggedness could be an apt way of describing our faithfulness in so many aspects of our lives. Sometimes things aren’t easy and we lack the tools we need for success, but by not being derailed and staying the course we can finally win the day.

Some days your will is all you have and, like Frank McCourt or the woman that confronts Jesus for help, that may be all you need.

So when Saint Paul says “Pray without ceasing” and when you feel up against the wall, or even fallen by bad news that comes in so many forms – a troubled marriage, a bad diagnosis, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, worry over your children, the list goes on and on – let us be encouraged not to give up, but instead to have that dogged attitude that is part of faith.

Ted Kennedy and the Gift of Years

We all lost a great statesman in Ted Kennedy and we closed a huge chapter in American History by his passing. If you consider the length of time the Kennedy’s have been in the national scene it could almost add up to 25 percent of American History. Much has been written about this family from an enormously inspirational standpoint to deeply flawed issues in character. I am recalling Ted Kennedy’s eulogy for his brothers he said they were gifted in every way except for the gift of years. Ted became the only Kennedy to serve our country for 46 years in the Senate. While he couldn’t be president and he stood in the shadow of his two older brothers he has made his mark on the political landscape of our country. I have a lot of opinions about him however; let it suffice to be captured in this letter written to him by his sister in law Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

"There have been 17 children besides your own - Bobby's, Pat's, Jack's and mine, for whom you have always been there. Every graduation, every big decision, every trouble, every sad and even every happy day. On you, the carefree youngest brother, fell a burden a hero would beg to be spared. Sick parents, lost children, desolate wives. You are a hero. Everyone is going to make it, because you are always there with your love. Jackie."

He was given the gift of years unlike his brothers and he used it well.

Frank McCourt: Learning from the Teacher Man

A number of years ago I read the book, Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt. It was a riveting story and I couldn’t put it down. It chronicles McCourt’s life in the town of Limerick, Ireland, growing up with his alcoholic and abusive father and his strong-willed and doggedly determined mother who raised seven kids and struggled through the deaths of three of them.

I’ve been feeling sad ever since I heard the news of his death. He was a great writer and storyteller who allowed the reader as well as the rest of the world to know what he was thinking and what he had suffered through in this life.

What was so refreshing was that he wrote about all of the difficulties, hardships and even misery that were a part of his life in both Ireland and the United States, with a sense of humor. While sometimes his was a little wrier than most of us are used to, I always like my humor with twist of lime, some sarcasm seeping through.

And in his book, Teacher Man, he chronicles with brutal honesty what most teachers have to go through when they actually face students in the classroom.

Frank was made to order for a guy like me, both in his writings and when he spoke. I had the pleasure of listening to him at my daughter Allison’s graduation from Manhattanville College and, of course, his tongue was not tamed by the setting.

One thing I remember him saying as he addressed all of the would-be teachers looking into their futures, was that when he walked into classroom he used to say, “There is at least one person who will learn something in this class and that person is me.”

When I heard it, it brought a smile to my face because I’ve often pondered how much people have learned from me teaching them in Sunday School, confirmation class, adult forum, book studies and Bible classes. Hmmm ... I suppose it’s best not to do follow up on that. But I will say that I have learned immensely from every classroom setting I’ve been in.

My only regret is that I came upon this realization somewhat late in the game. As the old saying goes, “If I only knew then what I know now, who knows, I could be president.” (Hahaha.)

I do know one thing that the old admonitions from kindergarten stop, look and listen still apply. You’re never too old to learn and to grow. It’s too bad that many people think they’ve arrived and you can see the calcification taking place in their minds as you converse with them. Whether it’s literature, travel, theology or just a lively conversation, a new horizon can appear in your mind is widened by the encounter.

Take Five – Reflections on Dave Brubeck

Recently I was watching an interview with jazz great Dave Brubeck. He is now deep into his 80ies and still playing. The story of many jazz musicians is that they die young, have huge addictions to cocaine and other drugs, and leave a trail of broken relationships. Many of the biographies, such as Charlie Parker, Billy Strayhorn, Stan Getz, and others, are simply tragic stories of talented people dying way before their time. So, as I looked at this old man and his wife of nearly 60 years, I saw this picture of someone who not only loved music and continues to love it and perform, but also someone who made the right choices in a world of dark joints and surrounded by a world of shady people. So, here we have his wonderful wife, six children, and a whole trail of a person who created great music and stands as an inspiration to all of us on a personal level.

What I also find interesting is that in 1980 he became a Catholic. He claims he was “nothing” before that, but it was perhaps the invitation to write a jazz mass entitled “To Hope” that brought him into his deep encounter with the Christian faith. I could tell from the interview that when it came to his faith, he knew what he was talking about. This is not a person who joins anything easily, without thorough examination. To hear him talk about the Eucharist and receiving bread and wine with joy almost caused my mouth to fly open with astonishment.

Dave Brubeck is about hopeful music. He sees music as enriching, but religious music as transforming. Every time he sees a church, he wonders if the music is hopeful and uplifting. I guess going to church is like “taking five”, a few minutes of your week for inspiration.

New Orleans Dispatch II.

We have only very limited time to write this, as we are super busy with all the other 38,000 youth members here in New Orleans and have barely time to eat and sleep. But do not feel sorry for us as we are having the time of our lives.

Tag sales are over, the fundraisers seem now a distant memory as we are awoken in the middle of the night to meet at St. John’s to travel to New Orleans. We (Bobby, Michael, Lukas, Jimmy, Andrew, Casey, Rehema, Jack, Jason, Andrea, Suzanne, and Pastor Henk) left on Tuesday very early in the morning.

All of our fundraisers, many meetings, preparation courses seemed as if they h ave been the headwinds for our flight south to the land devastated by Katrina and Rita. But ironically these efforts were not a drag on us but enabled us to go. The first leg of our journey has everyone laughing and enjoying themselves as the plane takes off into a bit of turbulence.

Just think a piece of junk nobody wanted, a bowl of chili that someone made and sold, all of those Christmas wreaths and the Lucinda Pins that all many ordered, and that Cabaret Night where everyone brought their dishes. All these efforts added up to taking 12 of us on a trip that will live forever in our memory bank.

It is a big joy to see our Youth Group with their eyes wide open and their jaws dropping over more than just the sights of the city but over the great music and spirutal songs that we sing every evening in the Superdome. In addition we are so enriched by the fascinating speakers we are listening to from all over the world. People who have helped to rebuild New Orleans, people who have built 500 schools around the world and started by being inspired by a past Youth Gathering. We listened to a women who came out of retirement to help 10,000 girls not to fail in school. We heard a guy, not much older than our kids, who got his legs amputated at his pelvis, inspire us not to get discouraged by our own shortcomings and not to let us be bullied by anyone. In addition to this sermons have been flying left and right and guess what no one fell asleep. (-: There is still much more to come and what is more than just a little surprising and even very inspiring we never hear a complaint about going to the Superdome to listen to all this.

Additionally we did a swamp tour and saw some alligators in their natural habitat. Unfortunately some of our youth members felt right at home too (yeah, that was a little joke). Believe it or not we all held an alligator and we have pictures to prove it. We walked around the wonderful French Quarter, where our hotel is located, and convienently near to Cafe du Monde - love those Beignets - and Jackson Square. We walked the historic riverwalk, but what we really enjoyed was the new National World War II museum, which each of our youth members found more than informative - even very moving. It was great to see their response. Also on the fun side was our exploration of the wonderful restaurants in the city, here is to Cajun, Creole and Southern Louisana cooking. We will all have another order of Crabcakes, Jambalaya, Gumbo, Alligator Sausage and Crawfish. When we get back to New York, we'll have to go on a diet (at least the adults??!)

We walked miles and miles (so maybe no diet necessary). We visited the Interaction Center where we learned among lots of other things how Habitat of Humanity is helping to rebuild New Orleans, we visited a FEMA trailer and we learned how difficult it is to maneuver a wheelchair through a house. We even visited the place where the levies broke and where the new ones were put in place.

So everyone, time is flying. We need to get off this computer to get everything else done, we have not done yet. We promise to tell you all about it when we return.

When you are worshipping today we will be worshipping with our fellow gathering members - all 38,000 of them - as well. We will be thinking of you, even though we are far away. We are united in Christ. We miss you and look forward to seeing you soon. Thanks again for making this all possible.